You know, it is funny, because yesterday I discussed addiction with the cashier at WF, who reluctantly admitted to me that he smokes. I asked him if he was into health related stuff, working there and all. What I said to him was that in my experience with addiction, addiction will subside just long enough for you to let down your guard and then as soon as you relax it will go for another below the belt attempt at reestablishing itself. You can't let your guard down too soon.
Last night I dreamed that I ate an apple. It was perfection. It was cool, the coolness spreading over me slipping into my finger tips and down through my veins and refreshing me like nothing I have ever experienced. It was crispy, and felt so good in my mouth, sweet with the just the right amount of tart. The sensation of this apple made me feel like I was floating. Juices were sliding down my throat and dripping off my chin. My hands were wet with them. I savored every bite, feeling it's cool rush and eagerly taking more. Once I had finished I wondered if it were possible to get more. I began to panic because I needed more. Then I woke up and felt like crap because I thought I had eaten an apple, as if eating an apple were the worst thing I could do! For an instant I felt like a total failure and had the thought of just giving up, I was overwhelmed with the difficulty of these restrictions. Then I realized that I was in bed, and that there was no juice on my fingers, and no cool apple freshness in my chest, and that I had not wavered from my diet. I came out of the haze enough to realize that I had dreamed the whole eating thing.
That my friends is what my addiction does to me. Every time I start to think I have a handle on it I have a dream that makes me feel like I should just throw in the towel. Until I wake up. Then I know what I have to do, try harder.
Despite my desperate sounding last and present post clickmom is not going to throw in the towel. Oh no, dear readers, clickmom is going to win this battle. I have logged too many miles on my feet, bike, in the water, and on my new victim-the arc trainer- I have passed up too many sweets to even think of stopping now. This is one project that will be seen through until the end- my end- because it is ME time over here, and in the midst of taking care of everyone else I am now (finally) taking care of me too.
I was cranky again today. I held it together despite going to the boat show in NYC to look at boats to replace the bad bad boat that broke my baby sister's arm. We were there for 3 hours and I was as pleasant and as wonderful as could be.
Then we came home and the kids asked if we could have Chanukah. Something in me snapped. I am hating Chanukah right now. It's too long! The bitch came back. Maybe I am just tired after the apple feast last night, maybe I skipped lunch, maybe I am PMS, maybe all of the above. I gritted my teeth through the candle lighting and the gift hunt, and then was unprepared for Evan's less than luke warm reaction to his gift. It was naturally something I came up with on my own, some PS2 game that involves dancing and a dance mat. I thought it sounded like fun. Fun and moving that would be good for them. He thought otherwise. I told him to tell me if he wanted to return it- we could let him pick something out. He pretended to be OK with it. Fifteen minutes pass and I call the family for dinner. Matt is moping because after playing his gift, a video game for 12 seconds he has decided that despite the fact that he asked for it by name, it isn't his cup of tea. He wants to know if he can return it. I say he cannot return it if it is opened. He whines and starts talking about selling it on ebay. I hate that they want to sell things on ebay. I don't sell things on ebay or know any thing about selling things on ebay. I want him to shut the f--k up and play the overpriced game that he asked for by name and got. He keeps saying ebay-blah blah ebay and I am ready to strangle him when Evan decides to tell me that despite the fact that he too took his game out of the packaging he wants to return it.
I loose it and let lose my tongue, which amounts to the two kids sobbing into their rice pilaf (that I can't eat!) afraid to move and unable to speak. Like I said the bitch is back. When the husband tries to point out the over the top method I have enlisted he receives his own private tongue lashing. It went something like how I am entitled to loose it since I go around holding it in all day. Since I am the model of patience and purity I am allowed to unleash the bitch when the situation is this incredible. I told you she was back.
In the end I had to apologize and beg forgiveness and let Evan say "bitch" 4 times and hug and kiss and apologize some more. Evan was easy, he liked saying "bitch", but Matt made me grovel extra hard. He came around too. Josh got so jealous of all the hugging and kissing and begging for forgiveness he said that maybe he didn't like his gift either. Now I am forgiven and trying hard to choke down the bitch. Man, I could kill tonight.
But I am totally not going off this program. So, yeast beware, I am tough.