Only a few more days until I ship this party back to new town for the school year. Normally I am feeling a huge sense of dread and a desire to cling to every remnant of summer. Not this summer though. If I had a scrap book of summers this one would go down as the saddest summer ever. Every other day I spend a great deal of effort trying to shake the tragedy off. I'm thinking that the husband being in total denial is making everything harder on me than it has to be but it's the only way (not my choice) I'm going through this crisis, so I really can't say for sure. I asked him some questions because I looked up what to put in an obituary and he got furious. In some ways it was refreshing because this brain disease has made him this entirely neutral person in general and that is not the person he has been- ever. But for about 10 good years before being overtaken by general apathy he was the angriest of men. Now he'll give me this utterly uncharacteristic goofy smile like the whole world is amusing to him and what I want to do is scream "What have to done to my husband? Where is the real husband??" but what I actually do is be a total bitch because I do not know how to be married to a man who isn't angry all of the time. I used to joke that he had two emotions, downright angry and mildly irritated. My truth is that they are the only way I know him and at this point anything else terrifies me for many reasons, not the least of which he could die if long drawn out miserable death and I'm left to pick up all the pieces for the kids.
But who am I kidding about "kids." Matt is gone gone gone, doesn't even send out a text saying he is still alive. Luckily we can tell he is still alive because as gone as he is he is still using Daddy's credit card. (Grumble) And Evan would love to be gone as soon as possible, then it's just a blink of an eye and Josh will be gone too. Will I be alone by then or a slave to a totally incapacitated person who barely resembles the dude I married? Who knows?
The other day we went to see a movie because I just wanted to get out of the house and that is about all the husband can do these days. The husband started to sing along with the movie soundtrack three different times. Guys, the dude not only doesn't ever sing but normally doesn't even respond to music. I never even knew he knew the words to songs. It was crazy. Also, a little embarrassing. Luckily it was a Tuesday and there were only a few other couples in the theater.
In the mean time, while I appear to be mostly sitting around observing him sleeping on the couch I am actually in a deep state of thought over photography and I feel like I have had a kind of breakthrough about my work and more importantly which work speaks to people. I live in this safety zone of taking beautiful photos that do not really reflect anything deep and personal. Even though a photo is technically well done and attractive doesn't have the extra oomph it needs to transcend being that one dimensional (figuratively) image. I am having trouble explaining it, but there is a another quality, which is intimate and personal that goes into really good work, and I feel like that is not so much of a vague abstract surface thought for me but that I have finally understood what it takes in my deeper consciousness. I know it sounds like I spent a weekend taking hallucinogenics and tripping in a hut in a south american rain forest to expand my consciousness but trust me, I haven't left New England it's just that my mind is going all the time while the body sits here trapped in the house with you know who.